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[20 Nov 2005|01:06am] |
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Please pray for Nikki. She's really hurting and needs all the help she can get.
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| And then the light |
[26 Sep 2005|05:54pm] |
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mood |
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 energetic |
] |
I think, despite not having a car/other stuff, I am finally coming out of this whole stress thing. I am only working weekends at papa johns now, so I have more time for my schoolwork. I am slowly bringing my grades up, and I am not as snappish as I have been. Top that off with the fact that Nikki and I are incredibly happy, and you've got a very joyful Nathan
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| Talking with Ms Anderson |
[08 Sep 2005|05:34pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
Just thought everyone would want to know:
Me: so we are still doing the leadership as a council and not just presidents, right?
Lauren: Right. All the seniors are going to consult with each other about decisions.
Faith: This isn't going to be a senior-only thing. Underclassmen have a right to participate in it, too. And if I find out that some people are making it a senior thing, we are going to start whacking people off.
read that last line again.
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| My life needs a self-destruct button |
[07 Sep 2005|10:01pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 gloomy |
] |
My parents just raped my social life, and life in general. In so many words, I may now do nothing but study English and precal, never work, never go to drama club, hma, PJs, drive, see my friends, get on the computer, talk on the phone, write in my book, aide for ms gapen, take care of nikki or anything else I love. I have to pay for all of college now. My parents are no longer proud of me (that was a direct quote). I have my "head up my ass". Today was really horrible, and it looks like the start of an amplified summer.
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| Schedule. Woo. |
[08 Aug 2005|01:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 worried |
] |
1: Honors precal-richart
2: Theatre 4-Anderson
3: Aide (book)-Gapen
4: Choir-Weaver
5: Latin 3-Harstad
6 AP english-Livesay
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| I don't know what I'm can do! |
[07 Aug 2005|06:33pm] |
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Well, I just got back from the madrigal retreat. It was pretty fun, though one or two things left me a little upset. I got to talk to Nikki on AIM a little today. I really don't know why I'm posting. I just feel really miserable. Feelings are just rushing through me and I don't know what to do. Worry, regret, lonliness, shittyness, helplessness, inadaquicy, fear, love, compassion, confusion... I don't know what to do. I feel so emotionally limp. Can someone please help me... I'm so alone
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| GRAAAAAAHHHHHH |
[03 Aug 2005|03:07pm] |
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mood |
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 apathetic |
] |
I finally have contact with the outside world back. This past week or so has been total torture. I've felt really lonely, and couldn't even talk to anyone about it until a couple days ago. I still don't have contact with Nikki, and that's tearing me up, but having Max over yesterday certainly made me feel a little better. I don't know how much it is going to cost to fix the car, but I figure I had better get used to all of my paychecks going to my Dad. For those of you that don't know, I had just finished paying the $750 for the court cost and attourney's fee when I had the wreck. Oh well. This whole summer has been pretty shitty. All I can say is, I had better have one awesome senior year. I really want this weekend to hurry up and come so I can see some of my friends in madrigals. 12:00AM on tuesday is really taking forever to get here, and I desperately need to talk to teh Nikki. (even though her phone will probably short circut because 20 people will be calling her at once) Her parents will probably never let her in the car with me again... I guess my general outlook on everything right now is pretty bleak. Oh well.
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[18 Jun 2005|07:11pm] |
Yoda
You scored 73% wisdom, 51% aggression, 70% power, and 65% morality! |
| One of the most powerful Jedi of all time, you possess the best of all worlds. Your wisdom is vast and unquestioned, and you use it for good. You are an amazingly powerful and skilled fighter, and only use aggressiveness for battle, and only battle when necessary. Lastly, your sense of morality is without peer. You always do what is right, and know that the dark side is hollow and unnatural. |
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My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 58% on wisdom |
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You scored higher than 58% on aggression |
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You scored higher than 73% on power |
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You scored higher than 47% on morality |
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Interesting... Though I am proud to be yoda (2nd to max, of course) he seems to never be tempted. Thoughts?
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| A surprisingly civil conversation |
[14 Jun 2005|12:37pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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discontent |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Weather channel!!!! |
] |
When Nikki got back from disneyworld, I was so excited that I would be able to see her--GUESS WHAT NATHAN YOU'RE WRONG. Not only have I not gotten to see her yet, but her parents' nazification about her independent study and her community service projects may not let me see her for another two weeks. For those of you that don't know, Nikki leaves for passport in less than two weeks, so thats another week of not seeing her. But wait! After passport, she has a youth minister's convention for another week. So in summary, I have another month of this shit. If you saw me at tinseltown when we went to see Mr and Mrs Smith, that was after one measly weekend. Now I have to go a month...
In happier news, I got a call yesterday from someone unexpected: Alisha. Nikki told her my secret (I will either tell everyone individually or all at once, I'm not sure, but Alisha needed to know first.) As expected, she was more than slightly upset. Nikki was on speakerphone while I talked to Alisha on my cell, so she got to act as moderator for some nightmare of a Jerry Springer contestant. Alisha and I started out by exchanging some rather harsh feelings for each other that we had bottled up over the past months, but after our practically scripted rants, we became much more civil to each other. We both apologized for what we each did wrong, and both agreed that, if nothing else, we both learned valuable lessons from our relationship. At long last, this whole situation has settled down, and Alisha and I are cool with each other. We could tell by talking to each other that we have both changed dramatically. I didn't sense the drama queen/pity party to which I was used to catering. She gave me a wonderful compliment: "Nathan, I'm really happy to know that you actually turned out to be the good person I knew you could be. You've changed." But no, I haven't changed, and I want to make that clear to everyone. I'm simply not hiding behind my masks anymore. (You can thank Nikki for that.) I don't feel pressured to put on a facade of being a dick/manwhore/insensitive bastard because that's what I think is "cool." It wasn't until Nikki made it clear to me that I was hurting people that I really started to re-examine the way I acted. I gave so many people a bad impression of me, and that is irreversible. People like Brandon (who I really want become friends with, despite everything), Kate, Josh, and even the people that are like my siblings (Kevin, Michael and Hil) thought that I actually felt the way I appeared, and it messed everything up. Kevin was jealous of things I never did, felt, said or meant, and now I realize that it hurt him. Michael and Hil were hurt because they saw what they thought was a descent into bad places. And poor Brandon... I feel so bad for that kid. Every time I think of the situation he's in, I come close to tears. I know he loves Nikki, just like I do, and that gives us an unspoken bond. We both know that whatever we do, we just want her to be happy. After hearing of what a total jerk I was, he must have been torn apart by thinking that Nikki was going into a relationship with a bad person, and that person was "chosen over him." He must feel like such shit right now, and I really wish I could change that. I want to be his friend really badly, but between feeling guilty and trying to imagine his pain (again, because we both love her, I can put myself in his position much easier) the most I can do at this point is make sure he knows that I am not the person he thought I was. Nikki is with someone who loves her, but I have an even more important message for him. (Does anyone know his AIM sn? I want him to put me on his friends list so he will read my journal) Brandon has something I would do almost anything to have: a promise. Nikki knows she wants to marry the kid, but she's just not ready for that yet. He has her promise that one day they will reunite and be together. On the other (more selfish) side of the coin, that means that eventually, Nikki will leave me. If I had to choose between the two (and make no mistake, it would be a very difficult choice) I would want Nikki's life promise, even though it would not change the present. So all I can do is savor what we have. I know I'm just rehashing the sappy feelings I've said before, but it's really on my mind. But being the greedy person I am, I envy Brandon for the lasting feelings Nikki has for him. But she's happy, and that's what matters most. All the fun times we have in the meantime are merely pleasantries and bonuses of knowing that she is doing what makes her happiest.
:pulls away from own feelings:
My parents are driving me nuts. I realize I am behind on my independent study (though I would much rather do it during the school year. I can get more done in the free time in class than I can at home) and I need to get a job badly. But for the love of God, I wish I could do it at my own pace. I'm just really distraught. My dad said that I looked like a lost puppy yesterday, which is about accurate. I'm really emotionally lethargic, because missing Nikki is so prevalent on my mind. I get through each day by hoping that I might see her tomorrow. It's funny how, by just missing a few people, our whole group has turned emo. Each one of us brings something unique to the table, and every time someone isn't there, there's a big hole in the group. So right now we are minus nikki (-energy, humor, bubblyness, rapports with everyone) minus Michael (-good sense, subtle and dry wit, dependability, and pick-me-upness) and minus Tara (-naievite, necesarry awkwardness, gentleness.) On top of that, each of those people has a direct and romantic tie to another, so the remaining people are lonely. Hilary misses Michael, I miss Nikki, Kevin misses Tara, Max misses simba. err, erma. Shit what did I say? I want to be with someone. I really wish I could hold Nikki.
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| Held in captivity |
[10 Jun 2005|08:14pm] |
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Well, go figure. My parents have forced me into bed at 11 each night this week in preparation for the ACT tomorrow. I have to get up at 8am every morning (again, for no reason) so I can spend the day working on my independent study and summer reading material, which I will undoubtedly save until the last week of summer anyway. Geez, I already feel like school is in session for me. On top of that, I am missing Nikki like crazy. For those of you that know my computer game addiction, here's a feeling for the gravity of the situation. I got on City of Heroes today with Kevin and max... and I couldn't do SHIT. I was so preoccupied. I applied for 14 different jobs today, hoping that one will eventually call me and I will get my car back. On an unrelated note, Nikki has agreed to ride "it's a small world after all" on one condition--to be announced later. Trust me, it will surprise you all. I feel so worn today. When my mind isn't filled with Nikkis, I'm coping with my parents nagging and their forcing me into a mindset of "School never let out anyway, so no use idling around! Have some arbitrary work! Granted, I want (and need) a job to pay for the ticket, insurance, and whatever trip we may take next year. (I don't know where it is going to be, but it is going to be awesome.) My mom left today to go to the family reunion, from which I was thankfully spared. She won't be back until sunday, which I guess is both good and bad. The good part is: I only have one parent to cope with. The bad part is: that parent has decided that he has to make up for mom's absence with incessant nagging and scolding. God, I miss Nikki so much... Even this short weekend is sheer agony- not being able to see her or talk to her. If I can convince my dad that I have things under control (which will be difficult because, naturally, I don't) then he may let me hang out with people this weekend. After the ACT tomorrow morning, I should be relatively free, save for turning in more applications and working on more of my independent study. I hate that course more than anything. I have to take survey. Now, I don't mind learning, I actually rather enjoy it. But when I have to rehash stuff I already know, it is torture for me. Spending 3 pages answering questions about lattitude and longitude is so tedious that I cannot sit down with that book for more than a minute before I start to get a headache. I really need to get away for a while. I need a vacation really bad, or just to see some people before I drive myself insane.
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[09 Jun 2005|07:08pm] |
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mood |
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lonely |
] |
| [ |
music |
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All I ask of you---Phantom |
] |
The past few days were filled with crazy events. After Nikki and I talked literally all night 2 days ago, (I got no sleep), we decided to go have breakfast at waffle house. We met Papa Joe, a man we have decided is Courtney's father, and then headed to Nikki's house to chill while someone tried to fix their air conditioner. It was really sweet how we would fall asleep in each others arms at random moments. After that, we cruised the job market for awhile, only to be shot down multiple times because we were not 18... meh. We got so fed up with it that we decided to go see a movie. I don't remember which one, because we ran into Max and Kevin and snuck into star wars behind them. Jeez, we must have annoyed every person in that theater with our strange comments about Natalie Portman's possessed eyebrows and the similarities of myself and Hayden Christensen. I was taking Nikki home, then things turned for the worse. (after several sword fights with our pez despencers.) Because the AC in the volvo sucks nuts, and because I was so emotional, I ended up passing out from the heat. Nikki half-carried me inside and forced water down my throat. I really don't remember too much of what she said to me, but she was really caring and sweet as she made sure I was okay. I ended up going to the emergency room with my parents and Nikki, where they gave me an IV and we talked about random stuff. I really scared Nikki yesterday. I'm all depressed because I won't get to see her for a week, (I know, it's pathetic.) Since both Hilary and I are missing our bf/gf, we should become secret lovers! Put me on the waiting list, hon!
Surprisingly enough, I was able to go to HMA yesterday and do well. My parents were being sleep Nazis, (keep in mind I had not slept for a day when all this happened) but I was able to squeeze enough pity out of them for a few hours of shut-eye. Oh yeah, to make matters worse, I didn't tell my parents that I was with Nikki the whole day because I wanted to see her so badly before she left for disneyworld. As far as the whole punishment thing goes, I can't drive until I get a job, have to get up at 8 every morning (murder for me) to help my dad with housework (I'm going to get us a matching pair of bonnets and aprons) and I'll be lucky if I can get online anytime soon. I really want to chill with people this weekend though, cuz I've got the ACT on saturday (one test after another... meh) and want to relax and be able to sleep late after that. Call me if we are doing anything, but I will need a ride.
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| A jubilant return |
[06 Jun 2005|12:44am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 giggly |
] |
Well, after a harrowing emotional battle last night, I was eager to finally go home. My parents were really sweet by accomadating my extremely strong desire to see Nikki on the way home... I think my rents and I are finally getting a good relationship. I rented Phantom and watched it with Nikki at my house. We payed almost zero attention to the movie, but our conversations seemed to be themed around what was happening in the plot. (I think we actually kissed at the end of "all I ask of you") Yeah, I am t3h f4gg0t right now. She baked me a cookie, too! A gallon of cookie! Jeez I love you, Nikki. Anyone else ever seen me become weak in the knees after a make-out fest? Yeah, didn't think so.
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| A first time for everything |
[04 Jun 2005|09:48pm] |
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mood |
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 scared |
] |
I promised myself when I made this thing that I wouldn't bitch or rant or whine on it. Oh well.
I suppose everyone has bits of their past they'd like to forget. I'm no different. I guess Alisha's description of me as a "phantom" was sort of accurate, because I wear so many masks. There is a reason: I hide because I'm frightened. I'm frightened in so many ways about so many things, and people don't realize what a vulnerable person I actually am. After being emotionally raped, and haunted for years I think I am justified to be afraid. It rips me to shreds when I get to know someone so well that I can take off the masks I wear and be me for them, (and I know I'm being paranoid and delisuional and none of you guys would ever do what...she did) but even through no fault of their own, if someone I open to does the smallest thing that reminds me of the decay I've felt inside, I become mortified. Of all the things in this world that scare me, reliving the kind of trauma that I experienced is the most frightening. I know you didn't mean to. I know you would never actually do that, but having these memories fresh in my mind from 2 days ago makes me extremely suceptible. If I have no more masks to wear--if I am emotionally naked for you--I have no place to go if I get frightened like that. It is such a real, palpable terror. I am so frightened, guys... please, I need to talk to someone... please someone call me
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| I want to be hooooome! |
[04 Jun 2005|05:35pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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lonely |
] |
Jeez guys, I don't want to be here right now. I woke up really early this morning to take the SAT, and I think my mom was way more stressed about it than I was. It was extremely irritating, because she tried to allow an hour and 10 minutes to get to UofL, because of "rush hour traffic." Yeah, that's right. Rush hour. In the morning. On a saturday. :sigh: Anyways, I think I slaughtered the english section and the essay, and I knew most of the math (though I had to leave a few questions blank.) I spent the whole ride to my g-parent's house thinking about the past few days. Talk about the extremes on the mood scale. Jeez Nikki, I'm so sorry for the whole... ouchness thing. I know that I had no way of knowing, but I still feel really guilty. I think I'm gonna be online for a good majority of my stay here, so I guess I'll be commenting on people's l/j a lot. We should do something when I get home... If youall are free this weekend let me know.
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| The much-anticipated "shindig" |
[03 Jun 2005|10:51pm] |
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mood |
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 relieved |
] |
Well, today has been interesting. Tara's mom reminds me of her in sooo many ways, with the wordiness and all... we love Tara. Yeah, it was nice watching spaceballs and pitching water balloons, but I know that everyone felt really awkward with the situation with Kate so I'll explain that here. (without breaching any walls of privacy) Basically, it was really bad timing for Kate to do what she did, based on the emotional base that Nikki and I were on. I have hidden something I will eventually tell everyone in due time, but not yet, and what Kate did really was a blow to our comfort. I'm sorry I was so pissy to everyone then. On a happier note, we went to Hilary's house after that and her mom made us a fantabulous dinner, and her cat attacked my shoes with ice cubes. I dropped Nikki off at her house, then went home to an empty house. In a few minutes, I got a call from teh nikki, saying that she missed me and wanted to see me again. (awww.) So I headed back to Prospect and we hung out, having more magical moments. So the day was concluded in a great way, though I still have to go to my grandparent's house tomorrow after the SAT... boooo.
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[02 Jun 2005|05:13pm] |
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mood |
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 shocked |
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Listed below are some warning signs to indicate if your child may have gone
astray from the Lord. Gothic (or goth) is a very obscure and often dangerous
culture that young teenagers are prone to participating in. The gothic
culture leads young, susceptible minds into an imagined world of evil,
darkness, and violence. Please seek immediate attention through counselling,
prayer, and parental guidance to rid your child of Satan's temptations if
five or more of the following are applicable to your child."
bold the ones that apply to you
-Frequently wears black clothing.
-Wears band and/or rock t-shirts.
-Wears excessive black eye makeup,lipstick or nail polish.
-Wears any odd silver jewelry or symbols.
-Shows an interest in piercings or tattoos.
-Listens to gothic or any other anti-social genres of music. (Marilyn Manson claims to be the anti-Christ, and publicly speaks against the Lord. Please
discard any such albums IMMEDIATELY.)
-Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically.
-Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the Bible,
prayer, church or sports.
-Shows an increasing interest in death, vampires, magic, the occult, witchcraft or anything else that involves Satan.
-Takes drugs.
-Drinks alcohol.
-Is suicidal and/or depressed.
-Cuts, burns or partakes in any other method of self-mutilation.(This is a
Satanic ritual that uses pain to detract from the light of God and His love.
Please seek immediate attention for this at your local mental health
center.) <-----Who ever wrote that deserves to burn in hell.
-Complains of boredom.
-Sleeps too excessively or too little.
-Is excessively awake during the night.
-Demands an unusual amount of privacy.
-Spends large amounts of time alone.
-Requests time alone and quietness. (This is so that your chid may speak to
evil sprits through meditation.)
-Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult.
-Disregards authority figures; teachers, priests, nuns and elders are but a
few examples of this.
-Misbehaves at school.
-Misbehaves at home.
-Eats excessively or too little
-Eats goth-related foods. Count Dracula cereal is an example of this.
-Drinks blood or expresses an interest in drinking blood. (Vampires believe
this is how to attain Satan. This act is very dangerous and should be
stopped immediately.)
-Watches cable television or any other corrupted media
sources. (Ask your local church for proper programs that your child may
watch.)
-Plays videos games that contains violence or role-playing nature.
-Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer.
-Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently shakes head to music.
-Dances to music in a provocative or sexual manner. (ONLY AT DANCES!!!)
-Expresses an interest in sex.
-Masturbates.
-Is homosexual and/or bisexual.
-Pursues dangerous cult religions. Such include: Satanism, Scientology,
Philosophy (wow, is that a religion now?) Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism.
-Wears pins, stickers or anything else that contains these various phrases:
"I'm so gothic, I'm dead", "woe is me", "I'm a goth". (I so want a "i'm a goth" t-shirt)
-Claims to be a goth
Wow... apparently I'm gothic! If that doesn't prove that this system is a bit flawed, nothing does.
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| "Family" Putting! |
[01 Jun 2005|07:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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jubilant |
] |
I woke up extra-early (which means before noon) so I could hang out with Kevin, Nick and Nikki while we went mini-golfing. We hung out at Qdoba for a while before actually heading to the course, and Nikki and I tried to infiltrate Kevin's house, only to find that the fool actually LOCKS HIS WINDOWS!! wtf?? And Nikki told Tara something that she and I were going to keep under wraps, so we had to make an emergency call to silence her. We didn't think people were ready to know, and we didn't want people to react badly. Anyways, we were on about the 8th hole when it becomes obvious that Nick said something to Kevin and told him not to repeat it to Nikki. Well, since Kevin cares about Nikki, he told her, and then Nick got pissed and we left. So we went back to Kevin's house and chilled for awhile. Oooh! Pez dispensers! After some deliberation, we decided to tell Kevin what we were hiding from him. Nikki was afraid of his reaction, but I just blurted it out "Kevin, Nikki and I love each other." There was a long silence. Then Kevin just comes up and hugs us together. My first emo moment: I cried while he did this, I was just so happy to be able to tell it to my friends and have them accept it and be glad. By the way Kevin, take our damn advice!
So I went to HMA to work the rest of the day, and naturally I was exuberant the whole time. It was a really special way to wrap up the day. So yeah, news for today: I love Nikki!
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| A weekend of randomness! |
[31 May 2005|09:03pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
hopeful |
] |
| Your Star Wars Pickup Line |
"If I said you had a mint first-edition, still-in-box action figure, would you hold it against me?" |
Not as funny if you aren't familiar with Monty Python, but still...
I got to spend the day with Max yesterday. W00tabulous! It's really great to have a friend that, no matter what, can always make you laugh. I mean seriously, I have NEVER seen the kid in a bad mood before... it's like his red hair and ginormous leprechaun hat have an anti-emo shield that keeps his thoughts filled with rainbows and piles of kittens.
CAUTION! SAPPYNESS AHEAD! SAVE YOURSELVES!
In all my experiences with girls, I haven't ever cared about or thought about someone as often as I have in the past week. Anyone who knows me well or was unfortunate enough to be within a 100-mile radius of the situation with Alisha, knows what a non-phone person I am. I almost never call people without a purpose or just "to talk." And then there's this week. Average time per day spent on the phone with Nikki: 5-6 hours. And this isn't the forced chatting that I had to do with Alisha; this is stuff that has enticed me *turn off my damn computer/game system* (yet another ground breaker) and just sit on the couch and enjoy talking to Nikki. I know that this is trivial or normal to some people, but trust me when I say that I have come a long way. One of the most important things that she has done for me is letting me know what true friends are. Knowing what I know now, I really don't think I would have gotten into the man-whoriness or the drinking if I could relive my life. It never once occured to me that it was hurting the people that I care about the most (yeah, I'm that dense.) Nikki has reminded me that my friends actually love me, and I realized that I never show that love in return. You guys really are my family. I love you all.
Hell, I've given up a LOT of stuff because I care about Nikki, but the funny thing is, it really doesn't phase me. I'm happier now than I have ever been, and the only time I'm really not content is when I can't see her. God, there's just something about Nikki... You're the best, babe.
I helped my parents plant a tree today. Awkward, I know, but they have this thing where they plant something every year for their aniversary, and it makes me happy to know that I actually can have a positive impact on their lives.
::exits as he puts the lid back on his emotional jar. It had some cobwebs.::
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ninjamonkey2000's journal
